We all have a story…
Five and a half years ago I had my son and I can still recall how I felt after bringing him home. It was overwhelming, scary, a little exciting, but more so “What do we do now?!” How are we to know exactly what to do with this tiny little human we know nothing about within an hour of giving birth, a day after, a week after and especially when we are at home with them for the first time, whether it’s with your spouse, a parent or by yourself? There are all these classes to “prepare” you for birth and for your baby, but rarely do we get the raw, “ this is how it might feel once you bring the baby home” information. The truth is, no one really knows what they are doing after having a baby. It’s a total guessing game, worry game, anticipation game, exciting game, overwhelming game, tiring game and all the things in between.
I was the one who did all the research during pregnancy and continued to look up things postpartum when my baby wasn’t doing something “by the book.” I became hyper-fixated on a sleep and eating schedule and began to feel anxious when things were running behind or when my son would not fall asleep when he was supposed to. I didn’t trust myself to pick up on his natural cues and tried to control all the little things. This became an issue between me and my husband, the father of my son, and I often didn’t trust him to take care of our son the way I wanted him to be taken care of. There was no right way, but my anxious mind kept telling me there was.
I also felt down and blah the first few weeks after having my son. I cried often, was irritable, exhausted and didn’t feel like I was bonding with my baby. I still remember about a month postpartum, I was sitting on my parent’s couch and my mom asked me if I was doing okay or if I was feeling depressed. I said I was fine, but I ended up crying alone in my room that day because I knew I was depressed and someone else recognized it in me. I mentioned to my OB at my six week check up appointment how I was feeling and the only thing she recommended was getting on medication and waiting to see if I started feeling better later on. I waited…
About 7 months postpartum, I saw a new OBGYN and they did a paneled blood test on me. My thyroid levels were out of whack, as well as my vitamin D and other things. I started taking thyroid medication and noticed a slight difference in how I was feeling. I knew then that I needed to find a therapist, so I began my search. I got a therapist and about a year later I started medication to help with my anxiety.
I had heard about postpartum depression and anxiety, but no one really informs pregnant people or new parents what it can actually look like/feel like. I felt alone, like a failure, not good enough for my baby or partner. My experience has led me to wanting to help the perinatal population, so that individuals do not have to feel so alone or like a failure in this beautiful yet overwhelming season of life. Because through all the feelings and emotions that come with becoming a parent, it really is a beautiful ride. You may not see it now, but hindsight is 20/20. And just remember, you are not alone.
Yours truly,
Ashley Villarreal, LPC and Perinatal Mental Health Trained